Paurian Elevator Pitch

Great ideas come scribbled on paper cafe napkins. That's when our souls aren't stiff with starch or choked with a tie. That's when we relax with our friends and a cocktail drink. That's when we don't care how stupid the idea seems. There's magic when the logic is gone.

This spot on the web is my paper napkin in hopes to find that great idea; at least in hope to discover myself. This journey will help to define partly who I am, and in that there is hope to glimpse the meaning of life and what lies beyond.

Music, code, love, food, philosophy, paranoia, responsibility, passion, art, faith, desire, fear: they pull my life into every which way, often times at conflict with each other. It's a bumpy napkin and rips are bound to happen.


Million Dollar Napkin Idea

Nietzsche's monster allegory

It's just a core question about the state of our souls that most theologians have to ask by trade. Who doesn't at some time in their life feel vanquished, as in empty.

Most have the experience of rejection. When our offerings have been rejected enough times and we've been "put in place" (which in this case means reminded that they have no say in the matter at hand) enough times, we can actually convince ourselves that we're worthless... at least for a time... for most of us. Some never come back.

I wonder about that emptiness. That dead state. It's a type of insanity that breeds an awareness. We are not as important as we may hope to be. Our accomplishments don't mean anything to the big picture. Our impact is infinitesimally small. No matter how intelligent you are on a matter, someone else has a more desirable opinion to listen to... because they're not you. Life is personal, so we take these rejections personally whether we should or should not.

With a fair amount of consideration (or distraction) of the matter, most people return back a little more somber ... a little less bright eyed ... a lot less enthused. That was the part about "Flowers for Algernon" that freaked me out the most. People can be so subjugated and diminished to the point that their purpose and meaning in life is stripped away with it. It's akin to breaking a wild stallion then tethering it to a basement grain mill for the rest of its life.

When I feel cramped up too much, or see others in that state I find it helpful to put energy into something creative - in a displayable way. It reminds me that no matter how far down people may push me or how much they crowd me out that I am unique and add to life in a way that they do not.

I admit that there are times at work and even at play that I have to "play dead", myself. Sometimes a business' survival is more important at a given time and my participation to help that business, though it may be doldrum or even maddening at times, helps out others - it expands my world and restates my belief that life is more than just myself.

Possums and birds play dead to survive. Like I mentioned before, sometimes we have to do that, too. But if people "play dead" for too long I've seen and experienced that the spirit is quenched and a more sinister death starts to settle in. We began to feel robotic and sense that we are only a cog in a cold machine. Adults aren't the only ones prone to this.

It starts when we are little. We go to a failing school system; we watch commercials that train us to believe we are unfit (without their product); any friends or family that buy into the culture second guess everything we do to the point that we second guess ourselves; we go to a university where professors almost strategically tell us that whatever we know/think/love is crap (unless you agree with their world view - or at least bribe them a little); in the corporate world you're told that your job is not to think (at least for most).

Each time these attacks wave and crest in consuming foamy hands to wrench our necks when we try to be creative. It's policy; it's bureaucracy; it's parenting and policing and mentoring gone wrong.

I look back at a week ago when one of my children were so excited about something they were doing. I shooed them off "Daddy has to work. Don't bother me right now." and they slump away a little. I became the very monster that bored its way into my life until I dolefully gave in. That sucks!

Nietzsche was incorrect about fighting monsters. It's when you're spirit is defeated by the monster that you become like it.

This job "fulfilling in creative way"

Not too long ago I spoke with someone I work for. During which it was basically said that I wasn't creative, that I didn't like change and that my strength rested in creating analytical algorithms. Two weeks later I was repositioned in the company. The new position essentially removes analytical algorithm development from the list. The change is because, as it was explained, it would bring the company more money.

It was evident that me being a (tongue-in-cheek) wuss had its hand in the decision more than money alone. I've always been a push-over, a wuss, an easy bite. I like flowers and cooking and topiaries. I hate boxing and football and burly guys who generally used me for practicing their punches and tackles.

Now that my wussiness had come out of the closet, I had to stare at my navel. After some serious hairy-wus navel staring, I've come to the conclusion that some wrong assumptions were made. I had to look at the evidence, though, to convince myself of this.

"What is creativity?", I had to ask. I would define it as a strong imaginative involvement in the design. Skill would be the ability to execute that design. Van Gogh as a grown painter was both creative and skilled. A three year old Van Gogh with a box of crayons would only be creative - not skilled, though Jackson Pollock might disagree. Hand a fourteen year old Van Gogh a pencil and add the careful instruction of Huysmans and that begins to change.

So where did I show creativity and execute it skillfully?

1. 1992 Founded and moderated the first wan-based network poetry conference for bitnet, a national university network before their use of the internet.


2. 1993 Won position in Texas State University's annual creative writing competition, "personna".


3. 1994 Constructed the university's first public web server based off of CERN's HTTP but rewritten to allow extend server side script interpretation, advanced logging and basic load balancing.


4. 1994 Began construction of one of the first world wide web's romance themed sites. There were only a few thousand sites on the internet at the time. This site, "Romantic Gestures" became internationally renown; articles about it were published in Germany, Sweden, the UK and Japan. It also won accolades in the United States, including one from Netscape for most innovative use of technology.


5. 1995 Wrote one of the worlds first web-based graphical web-usage applications. It would generate its own charts rather than spit out the web log file. This application was purchased with my employment to Promus.


6. 1996 Worked with a highly intelligent crew at Promus Hotels to create the world's first real-time online reservation service of anything. At this time, all reservations from competitors were nothing more than glorified emails to a reservation agent. We allowed direct access to the database and provided features that weren't even available to agents at the time, such as alternate availability in close proximity locations when your initial parameters couldn't be fulfilled.


7. 1996 Developed one of the world's first virtual reality hotel room previews. This preview wasn't designed for people making reservations, but rather for potential franchise buyers. The technology is, however, still similar but extended beyond QuickTime VR. It incorporated Director and VRML in a stand-alone application wrapper.


8. 1997 Worked with Netscape and FedEx to build the world premier of push-pull technology. Here we used a product called Marimba, which was a RAD environment for creating Java applets. I had direct involvement with field testing the Internet Foundation Classes, that pre-cursored Swing.


9. 1998 Went freelance. Won Pixelpalooza honorable mention. Designed and developed intranet solutions for Omnipoint.


10. 1999 Began working as a consultant employee. During this time many hats including lead application design, software engineering, software development, testing and deployment, IT infrastructure development, management and maintenance. Additionally, my creative talents were called to create the company's website, providing its first high-profile image on the web.


11. 1999 Began other cool super secret fuzzy logic projects that used the following 529 skills: [insert 2 pages of semantic keyword expressions here to impress my friends and make them cower in Dilbert-like inadequacy at my foreboding ability to throw out acronyms - mua hah hah haaaaa].

That's just the business aspect - over the years up until two years ago I used to be engaged in: writing children's music, leading worship in my church's children's ministry, photoshopping contests, graphic development, icon contests, flash development, multimedia kiosk design and development, even proof-checking web design books. These abilities require a combination of analytical and creative skills.

What changed two years ago? I'm not sure. I started feeling inadequate and lost my muse. The music stopped. I left the ministry and became dormant. The energy and will to express creativity just wasn't there. I withheld many of my opinions. Rather than seeing conflict as a door for challenges and an opportunity to view different viewpoints, I began to experience conflict as ... just wearisome conflict that could cost me my job. Not practicing my instruments made me rusty, which made me feel more inadequate and discouraged.

In all reality, the whole world is not pitted against me, but I allowed myself to only see points where it was.

The past year, however, something started brewing. I began posting photos up on flickr. A photo got published in DC Guide. Other photos ranked high on the interestingness pages. I am nowhere near the high level of talent posted on flickr... but I'm a part of it. Now I'm exploring venues to express my creativity again.

There is, however, one assumption that is deserved. That is, if my employer inversely equates change with stability then he's right. I like stability... something or someone I can depend on and rely on. On the flip-side, I appreciate having the reputation of being someone others could rely upon even in pressing matters and undesirable tasks. Loyalty is possibly more important to me than it is in the mob. When I realize that I let anyone down, I take it hard ... really hard ... then I try hard to rebuild that reputation.

But I just have this drive to be creative. What to do? I have satisfaction in knowing three things.

First, it's an incredible company even with my position, which by definition forces career growth to pass me by. The people in it are generally committed and highly intelligent. Besides, there are unspoken benefits to my position. It's like having the ability to be a doctor, but choosing to be a nurse because it has different rewards.

Second, God has me where He wants me. I can't argue with that. In fact, I have to remind myself that I ultimately work for God, not a company. He's not pleased when I give anything less than my best - so I give my best at the workplace. I'm working on changing myself to also give just as much to my household. It's a tough order to fill, and I won't be perfect, but by trying my best there's that satisfaction.

Finally, because it's considered that the creativity I have doesn't offer the company value, there are fewer business demands on my time. This could be a very good thing. It allows me to cut back my hours to a more regular 45 hour weeks, take my vacation time and spend this (extra) time with my family and going back to grass roots - creating what I love: writing music, designing websites, building ideas.

My dad invented incredible equipment that revolutionized the aviation industry. My grandfather built incredible rides and amusements in Disneyland. My mom is an accomplished painter, my grandmother a philanthropist. Even my father-in-law has impressive credentials. I don't intend on watering down the talented achievements that flower our family tree with an apathetic complacency.

Creativity is not merely self expression - it enhances and defines our culture and philosophies. It speaks spiritually and is attentive to those who receive it. It is the evidence of liberty.

Creativity encompasses and explores its boundaries then expands them like puffing into an inflatable latex glove. It brightens our lives with humor and insight, giving it all double meaning. It defines who we are, yet at the same time is little more than a mirror of the definition we give ourselves.